365 days as a rape survivor: Brave woman shares her emotional diary entries to help victims
Mila* was 19 when she arrived in Oxford to work as an
au pair and was raped by a known sex offender. She’s
opened up her diary in the hope of helping others…
Brave Mila is slowly coming to terms with the assault
Shortly after arriving in England from Germany at the
beginning of 2014.
Mila joined a Facebook group for au pairs and became ‘friends’ with a girl called Tais. Sadly,
Tais was not who Mila* thought she was… 29 April 2014:
The darkest day of my life
Today was the darkest day in my life. I was due to fly
back to Germany. Tais messaged me to say she’d drive
me to Heathrow. We’d never met, but we’d messaged
loads, and I’d seen photos of him on his Facebook page.
When a man in his 30s arrived in a van instead of Tais, I
was surprised, but he said he was Tais’ friend and he’d
asked him to pick me up and take me to his house. before
going to the airport as she didn’t know Oxford very well.
At first he came across as a nice guy, but as we headed
out of the city, I realised something was wrong.
He started driving erratically, then pulled over into a remote
country lane. I tried desperately to fight him off, but he
was stronger than me.
He hit me and threatened to kill me. I was in no doubt he
meant what he said.
Then he raped me – twice.
I really thought I was going to die. I was petrified.
Afterwards he forced me back into his van. We started
driving, then the van broke down. He told me we’d have to
walk.
I asked him to let me go. I started walking ahead – then I started running. When I saw two farm workers a few hundred yards away I knew I was going to live. They
took me to the farm and called the police.
Two women officers came, took samples and wrote down
my statement. They were so kind. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I kept apologising
for how ‘stupid’ I’d been – that it was "all my fault".
A while later they told me the man who had done this had
been arrested. There was no Tais – he’d been Tais all along.
I was shocked. But also relieved he’d been caught.
After six hours they took me to the police station where I
was interviewed again, this time it was recorded on video.
I held it together – only crying once – but it was hard.
30th April: What if?
Last night the police booked me into a hotel. I didn’t
sleep. Today I was given preventative medication for
various sexually transmitted diseases.
The man who raped me – Cristian Pereira – had now been charged. He
was about to leave the country: he had a fake Italian ID
card, £3,000 cash and all his personal belongings with
him.
I keep asking myself "What if?". What if I’d refused to get
into the van? I was so angry with myself. How could I
have been so trusting? The police have put me in contact
with the Oxford Sexual Abuse & Rape Crisis Centre, who
have been amazing.
Christian Pereira was on bail for attacking another
woman when he raped Mila
1 May: My first panic attack
I flew home today, and am back with my family. I was
telling them about what had happened when I had my first
panic attack.
My heart was racing. I couldn’t breathe. I
felt I had no control. I felt like I was going to collapse and
die.
My parents immediately called an ambulance and I was
taken to hospital. The doctors there explained I was
suffering from "an acute stress reaction".
15th May: Broken and hopeless
I’ve been in hospital for 15 days. The doctors have been
great, although at first I didn’t trust them. I was paranoid.
I wasn’t allowed to lock my door, so I couldn’t sleep.
Maria, a specially trained officer in Oxford, is in touch
with me every day, mostly by email, but sometimes we
chat on the phone. She’s helping me through the times
when I feel broken and hopeless, and when I feel my life
is in pieces and I’m too weak to put it back together.
27th May: Blame but not shame
It’s now been almost a month since the rape. I’ve turned
20, but I feel so much older. I don’t seem to be able to
concentrate on anything and still keep blaming myself for
being too naïve. I feel disgust – but not shame. The man
who raped me is the one who should feel ashamed.
28th May: Flashbacks
Sleep evades me and I feel nauseous and dizzy. When I
close my eyes I have flashbacks. I’ve been prescribed
sedative antidepressants. I’m seeing a psychologist,
which is helping. She’s teaching me coping strategies.
15th June: The support of my friends
I now feel able to talk to my friends about "the rape". I
never used that awful word at first because it sounded too
brutal. But, the more I talk to friends, the more I cry, the
easier it’s become. The word is slowly losing its dread.
12th July: I want to live
It may sound odd, considering what I’ve been through, but
over the past few weeks I’ve been waking up each day
and feeling grateful I am still alive.
Each day has become a gift to me. I want to live… I’m
planning a trip back to Oxford to see a friend and also to
meet with Maria who continues to be a great support.
28th July: A nudge back to normality
I have just got all my STD results back. Thank goodness
they’re all negative. I feel I can nudge forward to some
semblance of a ‘normal’ life – although deep down I don’t
think my life will ever be normal again.
15th August: Guilty
Pereira has pleaded guilty to two counts of rape and a
sexual assault at Oxford Crown Court. There won’t be a
trial, so I won’t have to relive in public what happened that
day.
19th September: Coping strategies
I’ve made a short list of coping strategies I have learnt
over the past few months:
1. Accepting feelings of sadness and anger.
2. Techniques for coping with panic attacks.
3. Giving myself treats: going to a restaurant, buying
something special, or seeing a film.
4. Allowing myself the occasional ‘duvet’ day.
5. Realising there isn’t a time limit to recovery.
Sometimes I take a step back instead of forward. But I’ve
learnt to always keep moving and to never give up hope.
20th October: A new start
A few weeks ago, I moved to the city where I now go to
university . I’ve already made friends. There are still bad days
where I’m hit by what happened, but most days
I’m just happy to be here.
13th November: Thirteen and a half years
Finally, the day of the sentencing has come. Pereira, who
is 31, got 13 and a half years. I’d have preferred he was
jailed for life, as I can’t see a time when it will be safe to
set him free.
During the hearing at Oxford Crown Court he
was described as ‘ruthless’, ‘predatory’ and ‘extremely
dangerous’.
When he’s released he’ll be deported back to Brazil, where
he’ll have to serve the sentence he was given there for a
rape back in 2012.
Worst of all, he’d been arrested for sexually assaulting
another woman – at the same location he’d raped me –
which he was not prosecuted for.
I wrote a statement for the sentencing where I thanked
the police and Oxford Sexual Abuse & Rape Crisis Centre
for their continual support. They made me realise you
don’t have to suffer in silence – that there is life after
rape, and, most importantly, you are not alone.
21st December: Christmas
I’m home for Christmas and have started dating a guy. I
feel happy right now, and am so excited to see my friends
again.
They have told me how they admire my strength and courage, which has helped to build me back up. So
this Christmas I plan to say thank you to everyone who
means so much to me.
1st January 2015: A New Year
One of my New Year’s resolutions is to get back into
running, as exercising helps me deal with stress. I’m
aiming to run and walk 365 miles in 2015. This year I’m
going to see each day as a new step, a new mile on my
journey.
14th February 2015: No hatred
The relationship didn’t work out, but it was still a nice
experience. I am glad the rape didn’t cause me to hate all
men. I couldn’t take all the exams at university this semester
due to stress (which gave me nausea and headaches),
but I have done as well as I could.
9th March 2015: Start of long-term therapy
After months of being on a waiting list, I have finally
started my long-term therapy. It’ll be hard and painful, but
I know it’s going to help me come to terms with the
assault.
29th April: 365 days
It’s been 365 days since the rape. I can see the progress I
have made. I realise I am strong… I am a fighter… I love
life and nothing and no one can take this away from me.
Rape can break you, it can destroy you, but you can
recover and you can become stronger than you ever were
before.
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